I wish I knew how to deal with grief. I wish there was a manual that’d tell us exactly what do or how to stop it but there isn’t. There’s no universal solution that could work for everyone. Every single person has their own journey with grief. Here are my stages.
My journey isn’t a straight line where I started at Stage 1 and finished at the final stage.
It’s a mixed up cycle. I tend to fall into different stages all the time.
I shift from one to the other, and being in a stage doesn’t mean I won’t ever come back to it.
It’s not easy to live like this but I don’t get to choose what happens to me but I do get to decide if I want to fight through it and thrive.
Easier said that done, I completely agree.
I’ve rolled my eyes more times I can count when someone’s told me to “Be strong, you can get through this”, “You know they are in a better place, take comfort in that”
I know these words come from good intentions but it doesn’t make losing anyone any easier.
So to those out there who’s dealing with grief, I only want you to know that it’s fine to feel.
It’s okay to feel pain, anger, guilt. ALL OF IT VALID
YOUR FEELINGS ARE
YOU ARE VALID.
My journey is no where being over, but this is a summary of what it’s been like till now:
I refuse to believe, he’s not coming back
I refuse to believe, he’s left me alone.
He told me life was a race, but we’d do it together
But you’re telling me, he gave up at the 24th year?
I don’t care what you say, what you show me,
He’s not gone.
I don’t care how long I have to wait,
He’s not done.
I wait I wait I wait,
But he never came.
I wish I wish I wish
But nothing was ever the same.
I go back to that day, I go back to that moment
I think about what I did, what I should have done.
From that day, I’ve lived a life of atonement.
But nothing I do, can have that night undone.
I lived with hopes he’d be back,
I lied to myself trying to cope.
But after a point I had to redefine the title of my life,
For I have only been in denial.
WHY WHY WHY WHY
Why did he die?
Why do I have to go on?
Why wasn’t it me?
HOW HOW HOW HOW
How do I go from here?
How do I stay without him?
How do I live without him?
WHAT WHAT WHAT WHAT
What makes this okay?
What makes this fair?
What justifies him being gone?
WHEN WHEN WHEN WHEN
When did I have my last chance?
When did I get to say goodbye?
When will we meet again?
WHO WHO WHO WHO
Who got to choose?
Who got to cut his thread?
Who gave me this anger?
I will give you anything
I will give you my life
I will give you my soul
But can you bring him back?
Rewind back to that night,
If I was awake a bit longer?
If I heard that fall?
I had been a bit stronger,
Would we be here at all?
If only I knew, I’d have done anything
If only I knew, I’d have hugged you tighter
If only I knew, I’d never have let go
If only I knew, I’d have told you everything.
Is there a point to his life,
Is there a point to believing?
Is there going to be a day I stop crying?
Or will I finally stop bargaining?
Is it okay for me to go on?
Is it okay for me to smile?
Do I have a right to live when you’re gone?
Is any of this worthwhile?
Do I get to be joyful?
Make memories without you here?
Does that make me disloyal?
Is this a rational fear?
Why didn’t I die that night,
Why do I get to be here today?
Do I have any right?
To wake up every single day?
I can’t help myself with these thoughts,
It’s just how my mind has been built.
Every time I think of that night, I’m left distraught,
All that’s inside me is guilt.
It hurts to think of no future with you,
It hurts to think of growing up without you,
It hurts to feel your absence.
It hurts to not be able to see your face.
It hurts to think I can’t hug you ever again,
It hurts to think I won’t see you ever again.
Will it ever stop hurting?
Will I ever stop crying?
My mind won’t stop screaming,
I have stopped sleeping,
Is there any point of caring?
God knows I need saving!
Will this feeling ever go away?
Will I be able to feel anything else ever again?
Will there be a light at the end of the day?
Will there ever be an end to this pain?
Bad days never go away but from time to time,
A good day makes its way into my life
I look up to the stars and cry,
Seeing your light shine bright on me.
Life goes on, and accepting your gone
Doesn’t declare your role in my life done
I carry you in my heart, in my breath
I carry you in everything I do till my dying breath.
You have departed, I can’t change that
You have your path and I have mine,
We could be worlds apart,
But our lives will always be intertwined
Stages of grief I have passed through,
There is hope that I will find you again,
And I will live life waiting for that “when”.
This is nothing less than a nightmare,
Consequences of your loss I must bear,
But it’s time to take a stance,
and it’s time for me preach acceptance
Life is never going to be easy, even the happiest souls you know have and continue to deal with pain.
This is what makes life worth living.
“Life is both beautiful and terrible, if we only live the beautiful… we aren’t living at all.”
Every word I’ve written was my own except the above line, heard it from someone that truly inspires and embodies the journey of grief, and very a fitting reminder for life.
Love and light,