For as long as I can remember, I have never been comfortable with individuals showing me any form of kindness, taking the time to hear me out or help me in any capacity. I have always dismissed these actions with the same words, “I’m not worthy of your kindness”. It has always been difficult for me to accept that I deserved any of these kind actions and it would make me extremely uncomfortable in that moment. The same goes for love and acceptance from community. I find myself in a state of fear that I will let these same people down and that I am going to do something that will lead to me being shunned away from my community.
This fear I believe to be rooted in my severe lack of self-confidence and that is a journey I am very much still on but I also believe for me personally these actions are often so uncomfortable because of how foreign it is. So naturally, whenever I was shown that kindness I was apprehensive to accept my worthiness of it.
Growing up I wasn’t made to feel like I belonged anywhere or felt safe and accepted. Through out high school, I was a victim of bullying and a majority of this bullying was how I looked and acted, needless to say it shook my confidence. But after the death of my older brother, I was suddenly met with kindness from the same bullies.
At the age of 16, it imprinted in my grieving heart that I was only worthy of the my peers kindness because my brother died.
Ever since I began MindMatters, I have found myself on a journey understanding who I am and what these experiences have done to me and how to grow and learn from them. I have been so lucky and privileged to cross paths with some incredible, genuine souls that have always showered me with support and kindness.
This sense of worthiness and question of how deserving I am of the light these wonderful people have shared with me has constantly been in my mind and I have visibly struggled with accepting it.
I dismiss them immediately with the same words, “I am not worthy of your kindness”, I hide- quite literally. I physically sink into my clothing, take shelter behind my microphone.
But over the last months, I have been blessed to have my Uncle Steph enter my life and change my perspective or rather, give me the space to grow and allow myself, my heart to change my perspective.
I wanted to share this change of perspective that I’m slowly trying to adopt to help me address these thoughts of unworthiness.
The statement “I am not worthy of your kindness” implied that I decided what that individual was feeling. How they choose to share their light, how they treat a person, that is a sign of their genuine nature and that statement was almost as though I was trying to control their narrative. Who am I to question to their decision on who they show their kindness to and if I do question it, am I not dismissing their feelings? Invalidating them?
The very thought I am invalidating someone else’s feeling isn’t something I can live with. So I choose to look at it from this perspective. It’s working for me and maybe, it could work for you.
It took some time for me to unlearn and accept, someone showing me kindness is not for me to control but their decision and once I started looking at from this perspective, the discomfort has begun to ease and I am finding myself being more open to it all.
Don’t get me wrong, I won’t say I am completely comfortable but I am on the journey and I’ve come to accept, that’s truly all we can do.
I don’t dismiss these words the way I used to, I sometimes still hide behind my microphone and sink into my clothes but it’s a step at a time that I have to continue on this journey.
I have tried to adopt this same perspective with respect to the fear of letting down my community and being shunned away. I cannot question their decision to accept me, to love me and to welcome me. That is their prerogative and mine is to be who I am.
I haven’t felt the magic of community the way I am right now and I am grateful for it. I am trying to be more open and accept this love with utmost gratitude in my heart.
Some times, it’s hard and sometimes it just feels easy.
And isn’t that what life is?
Sometimes hard, sometimes easy and this makes the whole idea of this community accepting me more real and easier to fathom for myself.
And these are the moments I hold on to.
With all my love, light and gratitude,