The tone of this letter is going to be very different from what I usually write and I am not going to lie, I struggled with the idea of even sharing this part of my story but recent happenings have only made me realize how important it is to remind ourselves how important it is to be kind.
No matter what, be kind.
The thought of ending my life to stop the pain I feel has crossed my mind multiple times, I’d be lying if I said I’ve never thought of giving into it. But this pain didn’t just start after the death of my brother, it started before that.
There was years and years of bullying that took a toll on my mental health, more than I wanted to accept.
Up until now, I’ve shared my experiences with grief and losing my brother.
This moment was a breaking point for me, it changed me completely.
Anyone who’s known me from before this incident, will probably verify the same.
But there’s a part of the story that people don’t know.
There are certain things that most definitely did not change about me after that night but in all honesty it just glorified a feeling I’ve struggled with long before my brother died.
The feeling I’m referring to was my very desire to live.
Some of you might think that choosing to end your life just because of a few mean words might have been “childish” or “over reactive” but reality was it wasn’t a few mean words.
It was years of abuse and comments from everything to the way I looked, to the way I behaved, everything seemed to be on the table to comment on by my peers.
Lot of people expected me to never let those words effect you but it’s really not that easy.
During those formative years, that’s all I ever heard.
There were people who’d target me just for their entertainment. If I stood up for myself, I’d end up being ridiculed for my reaction as well.
And this became an everyday thing and I hated my life and I started to hate myself.
I had no self confidence, I had to no self esteem.
I couldn’t look in the mirror without wanting to smash it.
Those of you have known from those years as well probably remember how I always avoided pictures. I hated being photographed and it all stemmed from the feeling of disgust compounded with more comments and jokes about me all the goddamn time, it became a lot. So much so I came to believe that all of it was true and I didn’t feel like there was a necessity to even live. I mean what’s the point, no one ever liked me or cared if I existed or not.
You might think I’m overreacting again but there are incidents that have scarred me for life.
I had an asthma attack and couldn’t breathe for a few moments and there were kids around me that were actually celebrating , laughing and chanting “sneha’s dying”.
How does one think positively of themselves after incidents like this?
Now these very same peers changed their behaviour towards me after my brother died.
The only reason I ended up being worth kindness was because my brother died.
Now as to why I chose to talk about this.
There shouldn’t be a standard for who to be nice to, for who to be kind to.
Losing family, losing friends,DEATH, an accident these cannot be the minimum requirements for you to be kind and compassionate.
I beg of you, just be kind.
It won’t kill you.
And you will probably stop someone from killing themselves.
Do you understand how easy that is? Being kind can stop someone from killing themselves.
We can’t have a minimum requirement to be kind. It just doesn’t work like that.
It just should NOT.
There are battles you don’t know about, there are battles you might just cause.
All of it can be avoided, just be kind.
A reason for writing this is a very very dear friend of mine. Someone who’s been there from the start. Who saw my struggles with the bullying, who saw and continues to see my battle with grief, with everything in my life and she recently said something to me that I can’t stop thinking about.
She talked about how even though I went through all that I did, I somehow never let the bitterness to control me. She was proud of that, and I was grateful for what she reminded me in that moment- the true power of kindness.
The more I thought about her words, the more it hit me and the reason this thought has stuck with me since is because how often I notice this.
Some of the kindest souls I know have gone through some form of trauma or pain or some incident in their life that has hurt them and so they choose to be kind and compassionate to make it lesser for another person.
It’s almost become a sort of qualification for a person to be compassionate.
It’s so important now to realize more than ever, there needn’t be any reason for you to be kind or compassionate.
YOU JUST SHOULD
I hold no grudge over the peers that did what they did to me. I am growing, I am learning.
I am no where near perfect and I am well aware.
I only pray that you all grow too.
Don’t just be kind to those you like, stop thinking you can choose who to be kind to and who to use for your amusement.
It takes nothing away from us just by being kind to others but it gives so so so much to the person who you were kind to.
I end this note with a request actually not a request, I end it with me pleading, with me begging.
I beg of you be kind.
I beg of you be compassionate
I beg of you don’t take away their ability to love themselves.
I can’t say this enough
Be kind to one another
You never know what one’s going through and frankly you don’t have to know. You shouldn’t have a reason to be kind
YOU JUST SHOULD
love and light to all,