For the longest time, I have struggled with attachments.
All forms of relationships whether with friends or family.
These are insecurities that have existed since the beginning that I believe have aggravated or rather gotten more complex with time and events in life.
“Attachment is your biggest strength and your biggest weakness.”
I have heard this quote countless times in so many forms but if you think about it, isn’t it a tale as old as time? How many times have you yourself talked about another individual being your source of strength? It can be your parent, sibling, friend, partner whoever.
I know I have personally called the people in my life my source of strength.
And I truly believe that they are.
But at the same time, these attachments are something I struggle with.
Because I am terrified.
I am terrified I’m not worthy of having these people in my life.
I am terrified I mean nothing to these people.
But most of all
I am terrified of losing these people.
I am terrified I cannot protect them, cannot take care of them.
I know it’s not my responsibility but when I care about someone, I can’t help but want to protect them. To take care of them.
That is just how I am wired.
Sometimes this hurts me
Sometimes it paralyzes me
But it also empowers me to be the best version of myself
It brings out empathy in me
It brings out compassion in me.
After losing my brother, this struggle with attachments got so much more complicated.
For a substantial amount of time, I found no point in having any form of attachment. I didn’t think any of it was worth the pain. At least that’s what I told myself.
But the truth was that I was so hurt, tired and plagued with guilt of not being able to save my brother, I didn’t want to be attached to anyone else. I didn’t want to fail anyone else.
I didn’t want to feel what I was feeling ever again.
I didn’t want to lose anyone else that I loved.
So I started isolating. I kept my distance.
Years and years of friendship, I still kept at an arm’s length.
Because I couldn’t do it…. I couldn’t love anyone just to lose them.
As time passed, as I did the work… finally started to dealing with what happened to me I found myself constantly thinking about my relationships in my life. I realised that living life without connection isn’t a life at all.
So I began to getting attached. I began to reconnect with people in my life and opened myself to new connections. These connections have now become a very important part of my life but that also means this fear that I shared before, it’s very prominent in my head.
There have been days when my gut tells me something is wrong and I just can’t not listen to it anymore. I’ve randomly called up my people asking if they’re okay courtesy of these gut feelings.
Sometimes I fear I annoy them but I have been lucky enough to find people that understand these quirks of mine.
I still find these insecurities of mine manifest from time to time and I fear these people don’t need me in their life or want me around. That my quirks annoy them and that I’m pushing them away. Sometimes I need reassurance that it’s alright that I am this way. That they still want me around or that I mean something to them.
Most days I know how to use my attachments and relationships as my strength but there are days I struggle.
Now why am I sharing this?
I want to know if this is something anyone else feels? Do you think relationships can be both our biggest strength but also our weakness?
Do you find yourself running from relationships for reasons shared ?
If you feel called upon to share, I would love to listen. Drop it on a comment below if you’re comfortable or email or DM me on insta. I want these blogs to be a conversation starter. I want them to prompt us to think about ourselves and our relationship with ourselves.
I hope to hear from you.
Love and light,
Insta:@ MindMatters_thepodcast/ @ sneha.ksd